Ron & Brian: Love, Life & Letters

Updated: Jul 15

Ron & Brian

"Alright then, Brian?" Said Ron.

"Yeah, not too bad, Ron." Said Brian.

"Oh, that's good." Said Ron.

"Yeah, it is." Replied Brian. "Ada alright, is she?" Brian enquired.

"Smashing, Brian." Said Ron, saying words. "Preoccupied with her menagerie of Cardinal spiders, y'know, but busy."

Brian spoke immediately: "That's good. Keeps her off the social, I suppose." He said, speaking as he went.

Ron had to retort. "Yeah. Well, no. Not as much as I'd like, Brian.

"Still putting Britain first, is she, Ada?"

"Gives her something to live for, Bri. Still, had a turn up for the books last week." Retorted Ron, retorting.

"Oh? Putting trousers on your hardbacks now are you?" Brian jumped in.

"'Course, lest I let 'em sit there all naked, like." Ron's patter was as slick as it was nuanced.

Brian was quick to respond. "No, I had a letter from my solicitor. Turns out my parents have gotten a divorce."

"Divorced? Posthumously?" Ron said, delighted.

"No, not unless you count the death of a marriage, which of course is feasible considering my previous statement." Stated Ron.

"Oh." Observed Brian.

Ron, determined not to be bested was quick with his advancement. "Yes, it transpires, and this may come as quite a shock to you, Brian, that my father has eloped and plans to marry a set of leather bound encyclopaedias."

"Readers Digest?"

"Yes, let's let them take that in for a moment."


Brian, now under pressure flew one off the cuff. "What did the letter say, Ron?"

"Well" (it was a strong start from Ron), "it contained a small but revealing statement from the old man, thus confiding that, bored one afternoon, he began pondering the natural world, and thus, utilising his usual thought process, he picked up a Britannica and set his wondering eye at the letter 'A'."

Brian couldn't argue. "Makes sense. Alphabetical."

"Man of logic, my father. So, he began quenching his thirst for knowledge at 'A' and in one sitting made it all the way to page 467, very nearly at the mid-point of 'C', you see, third paragraph down as he began to feel rumblings of something long-forgot."

"The Boar War?"

"Yes. And with it - arousal."

"Go hand in hand, don't they, Ron." Said Ron, crossing his legs.

"They do, it's the most erotic of all the Imperialist wars, I'd say. The uniforms, you understand."

*Drooling Emoji*

"Don't get me going, Ron." Said Brian, for it was all he could do.

"I wouldn't dare, Bri." Said Ron, not daring to dare.

"One thing that is known about complete sets of leather bound encyclopaedia Brittanica's is", begat Brian, "that 'though they appear quite beautiful, they don't tend to answer back. Thick, you see."Brian begot.

"It's well known, I can see the appeal." Ron had long suspected as much, but being illiterate and asthmatic, he daren't convey.

Ron was on a roll. "His thinking is sound, Brian. So, he packed them up, all in one suitcase, so as to make a quick getaway, and scarpered."

"Fleet of foot, massive encyclopaedic tomes."

"Renowned for it."

"What he didn't bargain for, and what I learned the hard way from my fling with a Thesaurus, is that although they do appear thick, they're bloody know-it-alls, Brian."

"Yes, I know the type. Times New Roman, usually."

"Times New Roman and bloody big stilettos, Bri. All fur coat and see-through luxury binding."

"Still, he's in for a treat when he's four fingers deep in 'D' though, eh?"

You tease, said Ron.

"Lucky bleeder."

"Lucky bleeder."


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