The Flood

Updated: Jul 15




A government environmental dept. meeting, 2057.


Chair:

Thank you for all attending at such short notice, I’m sure you all appreciate this is a matter of grave import for both the nation and her people.


All:

Here here!


Chair:

You’ll all have seen the briefings sent to you in advance?


All:

Aye


Chair:

Jolly good. Now as you know, this is an impending disaster. Despite this month alone having spent £49950bn on Trident…


All cheer boisterously


Chair:

…Selling 70% of the nation’s poor and mentals to Russia to enable project: ‘Clean Up’…


All cheer boisterously


Chair:

…and re-mortgaging Wales in order to fund the giant oars to row ourselves further away from Europe…


Riotous cheers


Chair:

Thank you, thank you.

(waves at his audience)

We are now at the coal face of an all-together more immediate crisis. Almost overnight and with literally no warning, both the icecaps have completely melted and flooded this green and pleasant isle…


Adviser:

(Coughs loudly)


Chair:

What is it Perkins?


Adviser:

We have had around 60 years of warnings, sir.


Chair:

With almost no warning, mother nature with no precedence, has in her infinite wisdom, drowned our proud…


Adviser:

(Coughs)


Chair:

What, Perkins?


Adviser:

We melted the icecap sir, we set it on fire because you thought there might be more ice under it.


Chair:

With literally, almost, no warning, and as a result of a completely unexpected consequence of napalming both the North & South poles repeatedly and systematically over the past decade, we are now in a state of National crises. Gentlemen, how do we rid ourselves of this heaven sent…


Adviser:

Westminster sent, sir


Chair:

…Westminster sent, curse?


MP for Cheshunt:

Cups sir.


Chair:

Cups? Go on.


MP for Cheshunt:

Yes, sir. Cups. We issue cups. All we need, is to manufacture 60m cups, sell them to the poor and make each and every bally one of them fill up a cup. Problem solved.


Chair:

It might work. Perkins?


Adviser:

Excellent suggestion from our honourable friend. With just one or two minor snags.


Chair:

Expand, Perkins.


Adviser:

Well for a start, we haven’t manufactured anything in the UK since the Trade & Beg agreement with China in 2018. Also, we sold the poor to the Russians, sir. Only last week.


MP for Cheshunt:

Well, the mentals then.


Adviser:

Sold, too I’m afraid. They were all poor, thanks for the Illegalisation of Mental and Spastic act, 2032.


MP for Cheshunt:

What about the lazy?


Chair:

Oh no, the Greeks won’t be interested.


MP for Cheshunt:

No, the chair-lazy ones.


Advisor:

The disabled are currently being towed to a potato factory just outside of St Petersburg, sir.


Chair:

Damn it. A sorry end to a quite brilliant plan, Cecil.


MP for Cheshunt:

Nearly had it, sir.


MP for Cambridgeshire:

What about, now this is a long shot, but bear with me…..sponges.


Chair:

The disables have gone, Gerald.


MP for Cambridgeshire:

No, we all just soak up the excess water…


Adviser:

The 850 billion trillion gallons of excess water


MP for Cambridgeshire:

Yes, the excess water, sponge it up and pour it back in the sea.


Chair:

(to the advisor) Sell him to the Russians, Perkins.

(Perkins makes a quiet call)


MP for St Albans:

Thank you to the previous Honourable Friends and their suggestions, but I fear a problem of this magnitude requires some out of the box thinking.


Chair:

Who is this, Perkins?


Advisor:

This is Arlington Ignatious Wallace, sir. Newly elected MP for St Albans and the creator of the ‘Paedar’, the electronic device that assumes whether one is or isn’t likely to be a paedophile in the present, or near present. Helped us make a quite a tidy sum from the Russians.


Chair:

Bravo, Ignatious. What is your solution to this trifling mess?


MP for St Albans:

Well, the trip up with all the previous ideas was that one has to collect the water and possibly deposit it somewhere else, correct?


All:

Aye.


MP for St Albans:

Well, what if I said there would be a way to dispose of it entirely?


Chair:

Napalm?


MP for St Albans:

No, quite the opposite all we need to do is….

(Armed men burst in and drag the MP for Cambridgeshire from his seat and out of the room)

….well, watch:

He fills a tall glass with water and drinks it ceremoniously, wipes residue from him mouth, grinning and takes a bow.


All:

Ghasp!!


Chair stands and applauds loudly. Others join in.


Chair:

Quite brilliant, Ignatious. Quite brilliant.


MP for St Albans:

Thank you, sir.


They all file out of the room, delighted.


MP for St Albans:

Which way is the Gents, sir?

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